Why I hate squirrels
I suppose some of you are wondering why I dislike critters so much. I know, I don't talk about them a whole lot here but I have a deep-rooted dislike of all critters, and most especially those mangy squirrels!
Let me tell you a story.
When I was a pup, no humans wanted me so I roamed the city streets with my puppy friend named Codfish. We did pretty well for ourselves back then. Quite a team we made. We had this little game we played called "Sniff n' Snatch" that worked like a charm whenever we were hungry for dinner.
We would wait at a grocery store for a nice woman to come out loaded with bags. Then one of us would run out and give her the Cute Puppy Treatment (tail wagging, feet licking, etc.) to catch her off guard. While she was distracted the other one would lift some goodies from her bag and run like hell. This game, by the way, gave me my first taste of the best bounty ever--cheesy puffs.
But sometimes the bounty wasn't so good. One day Codfish was giving CPT to this woman while I rifled her bag, coming upon these tasty green crunchy things. When she saw me, the lady shouted "Ay!! Mees hallapeeeeenyos!"
But I had already scoffed three or four and was running for the crack in the fence behind SuperMart, when suddenenly a strange burning sensation overtook my mouth. I started coughing and retching, so I ran into the woods to find some grass or plants to eat--anything to cover up that horrible hallapeenyo sensation! Ugh, what is WRONG with you humans??
Anyway, while I was out there, I spied a very suspicious looking posse of squirrels beneath a bush. They were all huddled over a large pile of human socks. I don't know what they were doing with all those socks, but I was real curious about it.
I tried to get a little closer to investigate, but suddenly out of nowhere one of the little buggers jumped in front of me wielding a sock filled with acorns, and he was whipping it in a cirlce around his head really fast! I didn't know what to make of this, so I barked at him. But my mouth still hurt from the hallypeenyos and that sock was about to go flying into my face. By this time the other squirrels took notice and started to chuck rocks and nuts at me. I knew I was out numbered, so I turned tail and ran the heck out of there.
But when I got back to the SuperMart parking lot, to my dismay I saw my good buddy Codfish in the backseat of the hallapeenyo lady's car just as they were speeding away.
So in less than ten minutes I lost my Sniff 'n Snatch partner, had the worst dinner of my life, and incurred the wrath of an evil squirrel posse. That night I slept by myself under the bush where me and Cod usually slept. It was kinda lonely.
Posted by sea-rover
at 1:58 PM EST
Updated: Wednesday, 16 November 2005 2:01 PM EST